I want to write...

So I want to write, if not more on the script, then something here in the blog, however I can't think of anything to write.  So, rather then start ranting in the middle of my script, I decided to come here and just start typing, about anything that happens to fall out of my fingers and into the computer.

Wow, I just realized how much faster I can write with the MacBook Air I have, then with any other computer I use.  That is sweet.  I am just glad I have it back.  I dung-gone-"F"ed this thing up good, along with a blessed plague upon my person.  I am blown away about how stable the Mac was, I could have probably continued using it until it literally blown the "F" up.  But I chose to let Mac fix it, seeing as it was still under their awesome, "you brake it, we fix it" coverage.  I feel so violated, seeing as I have always done my own computer repairs.  I suppose I could have done it myself, but seeing as if something goes catastrophic on here, I want to be able to fix it.

I am a control freak like that.  I like being in absolute control and I believe the worst punishment for me would be any situation where I have absolutely no power.  I suppose that is why I hate what I am, who I am, and what I feel.  Because when I feel, and when I think, and when I try to go out and live, I always lose control.  I can't stand it, I hate it, and it drives me very crazy to know that is happening to me.  I wish I could get my mind in order, but seeing as I am pretty sure I have Split-Personality or EXTREM Bio-Polar Syndrome it is going to take a long time, if ever, to fix and\or organize.  Unless the machine in "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" is real.  In which case, if someone could give me a business card and a number to call to make an appointment, that would be fantastic.

Curse=Blessing?

I have just wondered something to myself.  Do you believe that every curse also comes with a blessing?  For example, The Curse of the Mayan Treasure from Pirates of The Caribbean cursed those who stole from the Mayan's an eternal pain.  Though they may be immortal and invulnerable, they could never slate their lust for food or for the pleasures of the flesh.  They could do what ever they wanted with no penalty, only the eternal pain.

That is what I mean when I say I believe every curse has a blessing laying somewhere within it.  So my question is, what is my blessing?

I have everything I care about taken from me and decimated before my broken, fractured mind.  I thought I could be a writer and I was wrong, I thought I could be a Photographer and I was wrong... and I thought I could be a lover, a soulmate... and I was WRONG.

I destroy everything I care about, that is my curse, so what is my blessing?  Do I even have one? Or is the nature of my curse enough to destroy that ever so precious gift?  Or perhaps I am not meant to know what it is, for if I were ever to know, I would destroy it.  But then, the question is, will I ever be allowed to have this gift?  Will I ever be allowed to use it, or is it so subtle that it really does not matter and thus, I will never know what it is?

Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps there are some curses so fiendish that they cannot offer any blessing, any gifts... They are simply so evil or so simple, they destroy and decimate.

Or perhaps my curse is, in fact, my gift and blessing.  Maybe my purpose on this planet is to be the chaos and the wrench that fujunks up the entire system.

Perhaps I am Chaos and Calamity.  I am Death and Undeath.  I am The End and The Final.  I am never a Beginning and I am never a Hope.  I am the Faith That Dies In Your Soul and The Pain That Lives In Your Hart.  I am Burning and I am Burying.  I Rape Happy and Murder Joy.  I Destroy Normality and I Create Unease.

I am The Fear of Truth

I am The Proof of Reality

I am The Honesty of Shadows

And I am forever The Chaos of Order and Law.

I am That Nothing.